This blog is starting to be a lot more about me than perhaps I ever really anticipated, but on the other hand, I think a lot of the things that I want to talk about are things that I have personally experienced, otherwise they don’t have much meaning, right?
So having said that…onward!
Lately I haven’t been able to help noticing that I’m of two minds on things right now, and it’s something that I don’t entirely understand.
Part of me wants to get on with my life, go to grad school, get my MFA and get on with things. I’ve kept putting things off, a year ago, I told myself that I would apply for MFA programs in a year. Well, a year has come and arrived, and now I’ve convinced myself that I need to pay off loans before I go on to grad school.
I’ve always told myself and anyone I was talking about it with that I feared if took any time off at all between undergrad and grad school that I probably wouldn’t go. Part of me fears that might come true.
On the other hand, part of me wishes that I could just have gotten a job working at a coffee shop or something somewhere and be happy with that kind of life. It’s a much more poetic life than working in an office everyday and wishing for dreams that don’t happen and continually deferring ones dreams.
It just seems to me that everyone is trying to be great, and it’s in the definition of greatness that not everyone can be great. So in the end, why couldn’t I have chosen to be great in mediocrity?
It’s been odd lately, I have this overwhelming sense that I’ve forgotten myself somewhere along the way, made a descsion that had consequences I never counted on, and ended up here with this life, that while part of me enjoys, part of me still wants something different, something new and something that will allow greatness, whatever that is.
And as I’ve mentioned, part of me wishes that I didn’t have the life I have now, that I’d gotten a job doing something that, while menial, would have allowed me to go home every night not worrying about the job I’d done that day and the way that it really impacted other things, and I most assuredly wouldn’t have to deal with cutthroat corporate America and the office politics game that I suck so horribly at.
Being an adult with responsibilities just sucks. Give me back my legos, sippy cup, and especially my nap-time.
until next time,